So lately I have enjoyed eating healthier a diet full of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and grace and some how that has brought about some thoughts on my past I just wanted to share :))
I have discovered that there is something very liberating in loving ourselves, when we love ourselves we no longer perform or compare ourselves. Secure people can't get rejected because inside of them is an unshakable acceptance: that they chose to agree with long before a situation that challenged their self love arose.
So here is a little bit on my journey of becoming healthy. Growing up in the Midwest probably one of the least healthiest places in America I thought little about health, if ever. I mean wasn't that a class I was forced to take in school every few years. Everyone in my family was either on drugs, ate REALLY unhealthy, or smoked so it never was modeled to me on what it might be like to care about myself. A mentality of what happens happens permeated our culture. I never thought about consequences. Most of the people in my life were very careless of their words and from a very young age I felt "fat, ugly, and unwanted." I remember these emotions determining and being my identity from the beginning of elementary school. I remember thinking no one could or would ever love me and I remember intentionally doing things to isolate myself. I think a lot of people say things about more negative sub cultures things like "they are only doing this or that for attention." For me I never believe that was the case I think it was a desperation to not have an opportunity to be loved because I really didn't want to discover my inadequacies deeper. I think drugs and bulimia/anorexia was my way of disqualifying myself.
Growing up I remember being very shy, insecure, fearful, and seldom feeling loved. Hating my body and mutilating it, whether that meant burning my flesh, taking pills, drugs, starving myself, ect. From the ages of 9-16 I remember purging at least 6 days a week and becoming so freaked out with the feeling of food in my belly. So freaked out even after I got saved just crying because I couldn't handle the feeling of food.
I think even in the deepest darkest places in my life I have always wanted hope even when I truly felt there was no way out. In this season I am celebrating four years after my decision to ditch eating disorders. It was a long battle a hard one. Two or three times between then and a year and half ago I seriously thought of going into rehab for eating disorders. Even in places of feeling loved I had a hard time feeling like I had a voice in this area of my life.
I remember being in deep encounters with God and Him pouring His love all over me and telling me how beautiful I was and how He made me and still thinking "God it's cool you feel that way but I just can't." remember God telling me how loved, wanted, special, valuable, gifted, lovely I was and writing down what He said about me and looking in the mirror saying it over myself and crying, Crying not in a good way. Crying in a this is SO HARD way. This hurts so bad way.. weeks went by and I remember in January 2008 catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and just thinking wow i am so beautiful. I AM BEAUTIFUL.. I really can do this!! Something happened inside of me I didn't even notice. I had begun to actually start to love myself through agreeing with how God saw me. It was crazy. Confidence and security become a part of my life through who God said I was. It was so good, it was like what I believed finally agreed with what I did. I hadn't been participating in any ED stuff but finally my heart loved me!! I now look in the mirror and feel beautiful, secure loved and joyful because I see the father made me and He calls it GOOD! hahaha!!
We can't be ashamed or embarrassed to be confident to be proud of who God has made us to be. That He has made us to be wonderful and lovely!
There is something about just being around God in His presence all fears and insecurities melt off and we receive His mind and thoughts towards ourselves and the world our perspectives are shifted. It truely is indiscribible and only experience can truly do it justice. Let His love go deep experience a new level of freedom and security to be who you were made to be.
FACT
Before Bethel (a year and half ago) I consider going into rehab for bulimia and upon moving here was set free from tormenting hateful thoughts about myself
10% of college age women in America suffer from Bulimia
80% of 13 year olds have attempted to lose weight
God is so in love with you and with Him nothing is impossible.
No comments:
Post a Comment