poem- you are

 You are...

I WAS BORN FOR THIS
this dream this thing inside of me to be birthed
with every ughhhhhh, oh my gosh, and come on!
something happens something grows
something happens something grows EVERY single time.
it is impossible for me to dream and it not come true
that thing you say is so contrayer to all reason
''that God you dream of is just to big''
everytime something grows.

often people say what do you want to be...
but it's more like look at who i have become
I would push, but why it is so natural
so simple, ease has become my middle name, (He has finished everything)
passion urupts almost to the point it looks like i might SELF frickin distruct
like an atomic bomb or a bushel of bannanas and donkey kong
i was made to explode with JOY and hope
i was made to be extreme to not be intimadated by the extraordinary.
Because thats what i am
can i make it yes i can
No i can 
you can, we can. 
Hold my hand and dont let go, lets take it fast lets take it slow, fast and slow again.
.
It just happens to be my very best friend is invisible and lives inside of me at once.


when i get around you it all makes sense
you are the chlorophyl in my leaves 
you are the breeze whispering into my tree
saying ''it's your time to bloom''
next to you I've taken a stand, you have intertwined your fine fierce roots in mine
together here we change the world
representing love into every hug, smile, word, and thought
knowing that all I have to do is wake up and you will show up.

Serenating me with the finest love songs of promise and security
leaving me with an expectancy of your goodness to continually be displayed.

You are the one
we are one
you dance in my belly.

It's here I truely cherish the confidence
that only comes from your presence.
And the awe and mystery of knowing the depths of you.

your words are a perfect sonnet froclicing through
my ears penetrating the deepest places in my imagination

washing through and through

spinning,  your cleansing everything

You are the original programer

rewiring my head showing me a world I never dreamed possible;

and that world has become a reality right before my very own eyes,

I did not contain the ability to imagine this,

even in my artistic mind that continually is inventing ideas, concepts, and new paterns

I thought I was highly creative until I met you,

I've now realized you are my source, and you don't mind sharing.

everything is swirling world of color world of life,

who needs rehab?

your love is my drug

my solo addiction

you are my delight

encompising all of my body

the entirety of all I am, have been, and will become

you have the ability to touch all at once

and bring into completion with just one word.

but i think you perfer kisses over words

and that I was born to tell the world.

A man, a God, a lover lives inside of me and

your kisses create planets, nebulas, and supernovas

i find myself getting sucked into your black hole of love

chosing to forfeit all of control. that is easy when drunk with love,

lying in the green pasture of unconditional acceptance

as you are creating a whole new galaxy for me to explore.

you are the most captivating first impression i have ever had

looking in your eyes is the way i learn theology and discover my love for gelotology

you invent and represent a way,

that never gets old, musty, or exausting it stays so fresh and ever so inviting

and i say yes yes yes to who you are.

to the dreams you have placed inside of me

yes to discovering infinite you more and more everyday of my life

yes to the eyes that displace lies, darkness, infirmity, fear

your eyes call me out of solitude as you put me before you.

your laughter is like a hoedown

taking over my farm

intoxicating me with the most profound peace and security

you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Keeping it real My Journey of Becoming "Normal"

So lately I have enjoyed eating healthier a diet full of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and grace and some how that has brought about some thoughts on my past I just wanted to share :))

I have discovered that there is something very liberating in loving ourselves, when we love ourselves we no longer perform or compare ourselves. Secure people can't get rejected because inside of them is an unshakable acceptance: that they chose to agree with long before a situation that challenged their self love arose.

So here is a little bit on my journey of becoming healthy. Growing up in the Midwest probably one of the least healthiest places in America I thought little about health, if ever. I mean wasn't that a class I was forced to take in school every few years. Everyone in my family was either on drugs, ate REALLY unhealthy, or smoked so it never was modeled to me on what it might be like to care about myself. A mentality of what happens happens permeated our culture. I never thought about consequences. Most of the people in my life were very careless of their words and from a very young age I felt "fat, ugly, and unwanted." I remember these emotions determining and being my identity from the beginning of elementary school. I remember thinking no one could or would ever love me and I remember intentionally doing things to isolate myself. I think a lot of people say things about more negative sub cultures things like "they are only doing this or that for attention." For me I never believe that was the case I think it was a desperation to not have an opportunity to be loved because I really didn't want to discover my inadequacies deeper. I think drugs and bulimia/anorexia was my way of disqualifying myself.

Growing up I remember being very shy, insecure, fearful, and seldom feeling loved. Hating my body and mutilating it, whether that meant burning my flesh, taking pills, drugs, starving myself, ect. From the ages of 9-16 I remember purging at least 6 days a week and becoming so freaked out with the feeling of food in my belly. So freaked out even after I got saved just crying because I couldn't handle the feeling of food.

I think even in the deepest darkest places in my life I have always wanted hope even when I truly felt there was no way out. In this season I am celebrating four years after my decision to ditch eating disorders. It was a long battle a hard one. Two or three times between then and a  year and half ago I seriously thought of going into rehab for eating disorders. Even in places of feeling loved I had a hard time feeling like I had a voice in this area of my life.

I remember being in deep encounters with God and Him pouring His love all over me and telling me how beautiful I was and how He made me and still thinking "God it's cool you feel that way but I just can't."  remember God telling me how loved, wanted, special, valuable, gifted, lovely I was and writing down what He said about me and looking in the mirror saying it over myself and crying, Crying not in a good way. Crying in a this is SO HARD way. This hurts so bad way.. weeks went by and I remember in January 2008 catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and just thinking wow i am so beautiful. I AM BEAUTIFUL.. I really can do this!! Something happened inside of me I didn't even notice. I had begun to actually start to love myself through agreeing with how God saw me. It was crazy. Confidence and security become a part of my life through who God said I was. It was so good, it was like what I believed finally agreed with what I did. I hadn't been participating in any ED stuff but finally my heart loved me!! I now look in the mirror and feel beautiful, secure loved and joyful because I see the father made me and He calls it GOOD! hahaha!!


We can't be ashamed or embarrassed to be confident to be proud of who God has made us to be. That He has made us to be wonderful and lovely!

There is something about just being around God in His presence all fears and insecurities melt off and we receive His mind and thoughts towards ourselves and the world our perspectives are shifted. It truely is indiscribible and only experience can truly do it justice. Let His love go deep experience a new level of freedom and security to be who you were made to be.

FACT

Before Bethel (a year and half ago) I consider going into rehab for bulimia and upon moving here was set free from tormenting hateful thoughts about myself

10% of college age women in America suffer from Bulimia

80% of 13 year olds have attempted to lose weight

God is so in love with you and with Him nothing is impossible.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. -Mother Theresa